Saturday, November 19, 2011

Approaching 40

Okay... so I have been ignoring the whole "40" thing because it's a couple of years away... but a lot of my friends are hitting that mark this year and I am starting to wonder if it means anything...  I should explain that I am not on a normal path of any kind.. so age markers tend to throw me for a loop.

1)  I am not really interested in getting married.. i  love men.. i mean, they are great.. and i like dating and mostly i like getting dressed up and going out.. but the thought of having to worry about someone else, care what they think, consult them about spending money or going somewhere, worrying about their health and the fear of losing them or just having to get their buy-in on some crazy choice like moving across the country on a whim...  stresses me out!  I have tried to become interested in it as a "goal" because I know I am supposed to... in some way, the world seems to promote it as validation... and when i was reaallllly young i was very interested in it and came pretty close.. but i viewed it as some sort of glamorous life upgrade. Looking back, i now see that a husband was an accessory in my young mind...  like the right handbag..  so i am glad that whole thing didn't work out... because a handbag can be put on a shelf when you don't need it.

2) I am not interested in having kids... I have a niece and a nephew... and I feel like i have kids..  they are part of my soul... and i love them like they are my own.. yet, i recognize the selfishness that is part of my whole "solo act" when i see how much my sister gives of herself to raise little ones. -And me... i need to be able to go away and write or go away and sit and stare at the ocean.. or go away and just be alone... it's selfish.. it's not MoMish... and I don't want to give that up...  so.. no kids...

3) I love working... but i am not a careerist..  In fact where i am as a Marketing Director for an awesome company has nothing to do with where I started out or what I wanted to do or planned or even what I was or wasn't educated for. It is the result of moving on instincts, whims.. talking to lots of people and always being like "YEA OK.. LETS DO IT!"  and of course providence, which i believe in..  If you looked at my life as an infographic I think it would look a lot like a splatter... with very few connecting paths or dots..  I write screenplays, I studied film-making gorilla style, i educated myself in many ways through simply being open to any opportunity, i have a natural eye for style and design.. and i like people... and it has all lead me here.. but where am I and where does this go? I have no idea and i don't want to know... i don't have a plan and 40 says.. you are supposed to have a plan!

4) I don't have stuff...  I get rid of stuff....  So this is a weird thing, but I don't really have STUFF...  every time I move, i sort of re-build and take very little with me..  the stuff i have, i can easily get rid of and have no attachment to..  when it comes to stuff i am very non-sentimental..  When I left Charlotte and moved back home to Los Angeles, I traded all my furniture to a guy who painted and did repairs on my house there..  so basically anything that didn't fit in my car along side my pets,my screenplays, computers... shoes and clothes.. got left behind, or given away...  I took a ton of clothes to Dress For Success (a charity that gives women interview clothes when they cannot afford them) and some stuff still had tags on it, but it didn't fit... so I gave it away... I am always fascinated by people who have knick-knacks.. they seem so arbitrary and yet they sort of make a person's home.. a home.. i dont have any knick-knacks.. there is a scene in Breakfast at Tiffany's when Paul asks Holly if she just moved in (because her apartment is bare and sparse) and she says that she has been there about a year that reminds me of myself..  I honestly tried in Charlotte to become a "stuff" person and it just didn't work... i even bought a house.. which was probably not for me.. the way i move around.. but i wanted to give it a go (i mean, people do that sort of thing and it's normally a great thing to do).

So anyway... ramble ramble... when i see other friends hitting the 40 and they are in the expected position for that life marker.. I wonder why i am not and if it matters.

I've visited almost every state in the US.. traveled to many countries... eaten the finest food the world has to offer... met every kind of person, from royalty to starving actor... and at this point i wonder if i should start trying to live in the pattern... or just keep being me and see what happens..  

My life anthem has always been "Non Regrette Rien" as sung by Edith Piaf... but as 40 approaches, i wonder... will i regret living on the fringe?  

No, nothing at all, I regret nothing at all

Not the good, nor the bad. It is all the same.

No, nothing at all, I have no regrets about anything.

It is paid, wiped away, forgotten.

I am not concerned with the past, with my memories.

I set fire to my pains and pleasures,

I don't need them anymore.

I have wiped away my loves, and my troubles.

Swept them all away.

I am starting again from zero.

No, nothing at all, I have no regrets

Because from today, my life, my happiness, everything,

Starts with you! 

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