I was just thinking today about how you can work very hard to get somewhere you never wanted to be... a place in life that really doesn't suit you.. although you are successfully placed... you are not fulfilled...
Maybe this is what Mary meant when she thought about returning to her former Gothic Girl Self... I don't know.. I often think lately about the me that would spend days at a time building sets, finding props and casting parts, writing scripts and shooting scenes.. hours on my knees with all sorts of electronics, wires and mics, cameras, vcrs, tvs hooked together into a menagerie of editing and dubbing equipment that I would use to assemble a film that perhaps only a few people would ever see.
OH, how I loved it.. I loved the accidents that caused special effects i would later incorporate on purpose, I loved the running scenes over and over to get the soundtrack right and when a shot was perfect for all the wrong reasons.. the seeing my story come alive-not a page of text, but a moving object with sound and character, though sometimes the characters were all inatimate..
I think about that self suddenly empowered with my current access to highgrade film editing software, and millions of possible viewers via youtube.com, and I wonder... how did i get so far from myself... wny don't i make films anymore?
why did i go from not understanding the word impossible.. to accepting the probable as fact? I am sure some would say this is called growing up, but when i was a kid.. well, a 13-23 year old, there was nothing but film-making.. nothing but plays, scripts, films.. writing, shooting, stomping off the set when my cast wouldn't stop laughing during serious takes... this was life... living for the next reason to shout "Action!"
Now I get paid for creatives that help other people sell money to people who want to invest in property and have the American Dream.. it is nothing to be ashamed of... i am a home owner myself... it's a good business and i am glad to do well at something still so fundamentally creative.. but it doesn't fill that hole in my heart... it doesn't feel the way the story does.. coming out of me, onto paper.. onto celluloid.. onto youtube?
There is a basic argument here. I was in an investment seminar recently.. talking stocks and bonds and 401k retirement funds... and it hit me.. i am on this road.. to a safe and plotted life.. work hard, save money, build equity, buy an investment property, get married, have kids, get old.. etc... granted, i support my family, eat very finely, drink even better and party well... a girl has to have some fun... but still... will i ever have a better shot at returning to myself... is the time coming to make the change?
the other road is un-sure.. no steady income, no guaranteed security... can you even pay your mortgage and buy way too many pairs of designer shoes (current count about 200)
and the real question.. can i have both?
I am willing to try.... i want my passion back.. i want to fall in love again... i want the thrill of the story back in my blood, i want to chase that perfect plot line and do more than dream about that Oscar...
Ok.. I talked me into it... ACTION!